:: Express Lane ::

:: or should i say 'alleged' express lane. a recent trip to weggies was prompted by a need for some essential food items: bread, milk, milano cookies... a quick in and out and i would be feasting on my recent acquisitions in no-time. i took stock of the situation at the check out. at the far end like a mirage in the desert, an almost vacant express lane. quickly counting the items in my basket i found i was one over, and put back a pack of milanos (have no fear, i still had 2 more in my basket). as i approached the checkout nirvana, i spotted an older gentleman in one of those powered shopping scooters and i could sense he was heading for my lane. in an instant our gazes locked; stopped dead in our tracks, watching each others move. something out of a western, i half expected tumble weed to blow across weggies grand concourse. mothers pulled their children back into the safety of the aisles while stock boys cowered in fear. i'm not sure who made the first draw in this shopping dual to the death but we were off like a shot. his rubber wheels leaving black streaks while the electric motors howled. it was either my athletic prowess or my three wheeled dualer missing his shift into fourth, but i was gaining and i could taste the victory of a speedy checkout. having been beaten he swerved his supermarket go!kart and took the lane next to me nearly upsetting the apple stand in the process. i set my basket on the floor and leaned on my knees to catch my breath. out of the corner of my eye, i could see the belt was piled high. not 7 or 8, but twenty, perhaps thirty items. most were un-coded produce... the clerk searching the cheat sheet, each one getting their own turn on the scale. i heard the elderly man next to me snickering as he was already getting his food scanned. ahead there was fumbling for the club card. the political corrector in me thought that now would be an excellent time to teach the child in the cart how to count. perhaps he could then explain to his mother that 30 is greater than 7. significantly greater. then there was a request to use a check, and upon remembering the coupons, she fished them out of her pocket, uncrumpled them smoothing each on the counter and picking at the pocket lint. at this point geezer was already on his way. as i left the store i looked for a moral in this newest life lesson - express lane it is not. ::